Wednesday, March 5, 2008

BOLO: Scooter Thieving Bastiges

So, about 11:35 p.m., I'm watching the primaries crap... and I hear something outside that doesn't sound right. I go out on the balcony, and there's one dude shutting the back door of a beat, early '90s maroon Ford Aerostar or Windstar van, and then bolting for the passenger's side door. The Vino is gone.

I holler at the top of my lungs, "Stop, motherfuckers! You're goin' to jail! You're goin' to jail!" as they squeal out and nearly wreck pulling out of my section of the parking lot. A few feet later, I see stuff flying out the back of the van.

I call the local non-emergency number for the cops, and describe what happened, as I pulled on my shoes and coat, and head outside. I start walking the direction of where the thieves have just gone, a minute earlier, and I'm still on the phone; the dispatcher is asking me all kinds of silly shit, like, "Do you have the VIN number?" Yeah, I have all that right here, right now, sure.

I get a few more yards down the lot, and I see a guy approaching me: "Hey, is that your scooter?"

"Yeah... or I guess it was my scooter!"

"No, man -- I heard you yellin', and it must've scared the shit out of 'em, 'cause they tossed it out of the van -- over here!"

Sure enough, there's the Vino, laying in the parking lot on its side. The left mirror and control pod are twisted around (a 5 min. fix), but I think it's relatively undamaged, otherwise. No broken plastic that I could see, and it landed opposite the exhaust, so I got a break, there. Once the cops were finished with it, I picked it up, and it started on the first try.

The best part? They couldn't get a print off the side panel, where it was obviously grabbed... too smudged. They did, however, get a great print off the tallboy beer can that came out of the van as they sped off.

So, if you're a thievin' fuckhead with a maroon, early '90s Ford van, you best watch your shit, and not get caught for anything where you need to be fingerprinted. Or, you better hope they lose the files from any other felonies you've committed, 'cause you're pretty much fucked when the cops catch up to you. I can ID you, and I will prosecute to the fullest.


  1. Oh man, that's a bummer. Glad they didn't get away with it, though.

  2. Holy crap, that's unbelievable!!! I'm so glad they didn't get it.

  3. Hehe. I'm not a "hatin'" kinda guy, but there is a small handful of things that I DO hate. Scooter thieves are definitely on that list... right there next to cockroaches, fire ants, mosquitoes and bigots.

  4. Oh, one more thing. I dig the name of your blog. I thought it was Kymco Jones for a second... then I read it correctly... Cojones. Funny stuff!